just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
