So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
