He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
True strength comes from lack of pants
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
