maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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