tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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