she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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