I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
