Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
