Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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