If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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