he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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