really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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