I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Randomize
