My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
