A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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