In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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