Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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