This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Just puked most of my soul out..
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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