So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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