I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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