Jerry, you need to find god
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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