I bet he comes in French.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
