I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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