So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
