Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We're too hungover to prance.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize