Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
