Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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