you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
