I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
