Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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