Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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