Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
