Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
