I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
