upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize