how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
it's great music for shaving your balls
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
