woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
