is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
