I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize