If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
