I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just want to make out with him forever
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
