I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
