I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
