A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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