I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize