Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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