Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
