in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
