i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
