I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
