I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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