went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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