I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
